The Only Acceptable Way to Wear Flats
The Only Acceptable Way to Wear Flats
Surround yourself with nothing but heels: a gift guide to a day at home (mostly)...
Growing up, whenever Christmas came around and I’d always pray for a new pair of super high, skin tight, dressage riding boots in pitch black authentic leather—preferably with no zipper up the shaft so that the struggle to put them on would be extra intense. My arch nemesis of the stables had real leather boots with a zipper and by no means was I gonna have that bitch one up me. Looking back, I think the equestrian outfits were just the gateway to my enSHOEsiasm because the look was definitely one of my favorite things about the sport.
Anyway, that was probably the last time I thought it was acceptable to wear flats anywhere outside the gym. So how can we make up for the fact that we all wear flats so much (yes, even though I think it’s unacceptable, I, too, wear flats most days…)? The answer is obvious: you surround yourself with everything stiletto. Stiletto glasses, stiletto decanters, stiletto decorations, stiletto candles, stiletto, stiletto stiletto. And on top of that, you only give gifts shaped like a stiletto; here’s your first guide for the giving season…
How does every single person start their day? With a cup of warm something: whether it’s tea, coffee, hot water with lemon (my preferred), hot cocoa for the holidays or whatever... And what do you need for that; a mug, of course. I could think of a million ways to make any of the below a lot cooler but that means I’d actually have to get my finger out of my ass and start being productive (bound to happen any day now)… But I found two that are totally acceptable; either for yourself or a second cousin somewhere:
I am OBSESSED with this mug: it looks like a classic beer mug and who doesn’t want to give the impression they are having beer at 7am in the morning?
The mug made to let the world know that you live for a heel. No frills, no unnecessary decorations, just in your face stiletto appreciation.
Nothing is better than making your mornings cozy—you know, while you enjoy your hot beverage in your heel mug—and how can you really do that without lighting a candle? Candles are essential house decor in these dark times (in NYC the sun rises around 7am and sets less than 9 hours later a bit after 4pm): we NEED candles.
Although I believe this is for a cake, it’s the perfect size for a quick morning cuddle-with-yourself sesh (or a night time bath)…
Ok now it’s time for work, right? Or maybe you don’t work, but it’s still time to get dressed for the day and of course that includes putting on a pair of heels. But what if your feet are aching from wearing those 130mm Louboutins the day before? Or what if they start hurting during the day. Well, I recently discovered that people are spraying their feet with Lidocaine before putting on the pair of the day. Usually I would say that pain and beauty goes hand in hand but if you can eliminate the pain while staying beautiful, I am all for it!
Obviously, we are skipping over the work day entirely: what is more dull than focusing on your work day. I am European; we work to live, we don’t live to work. Does that make sense? So you’re getting home, the lidocaine spray is slowly wearing off. The feeling in your feet is surely returning and a second wave of ache is setting in. What do you need? WINE, duh! You’re probably back in some kind of flat so you need a heel in your vicinity one way or another. For that there are two different options: a stiletto decanter or a stiletto bottle holder. I have a slight preference for the decanter but if you’re not one to empty the content of one bottle into another before emptying that bottle into your throat then get the holder.
After wine, what do you do? You hang your Christmas stocking before you go to bed in hopes that someone will leave you more mood ELEVATING (get it?) gifts for when you wake up to repeat the routine all over again.
So this was the first sarcastic gift guide of four this month: your time at home is now covered. What do you want a guide on next? Please leave suggestions in the comments!